If Weather Could Talk

I’ll admit that this blog post is a bit out of left field (but is it? It is really Jess?) but weather is bountiful on this planet and I like to personify things that are not sentient (yet).

For example;
- My car, Bames.
- My desktop computer, Leroy
- My DSLR, Bruno
- The hoover, Hailey.


Anyway, here is what I think the weather would say if it could talk. For some reason they are all savage and petty.

Ugh. So bored? Might just ROAST THE HUMANS. YES QUEEN. ROAST. LIKE THE CHICKENS THAT YOU ARE...asides from the actual chickens. You guys did nothing wrong...I’m sorry real chickens...BUT HUMAN CHICKENS? BUUUUURN.

Also, just a note from your pal the Sun - you’re going to want to cover your skin with some expensive white stuff or I will first make you glow red and then leave you to shed your skin like a snake as you curse my name (but mostly your own stupidity).

ALSO in the winter I will make my entrance like the boss that I am, get your hopes up with my pals blue skies and white clouds and then STEP ON THEM. Your hopes that is. Cause it’s winter, you loser. It's not warm out here. I got you.


What do I feel like today. Hmm...Monsoon weather. That’s always fun. Nobody goes out. Stops the birds flying around and dropping a deuce on everybody’s cars. Maybe I could do that weird, mist stuff. Like, you don’t wear a coat out but by the time you get where you’re going you look like you’ve just showered fully clothed. Yeah...hmm...or I could keep stopping and starting...that’s pretty cool.

Sucks that only introverts like me.

DUDE I am FEELING it today. I want to RUN THROUGH THE HILLS. Yeah man. This is awesome. Whoooosh. Jesus. I am faster than a comet. Come at me bro.

There is no bro.

WHATEVER. Hey, if I go fast enough in circles then people can SEE me, the WIND. Yeah man.
Unless it’s sunny. Then I’ll be chill and mellow. Too hot to rush around, you get me? It’s funny. The one time you need a chilling breeze I’m not giving it to you.

I’m a jerk.

Listen. I’m EXPENSIVE. You can’t buy me. Whether or not I’m forecast, it’s still my decision if I’m there. Oh I’m forecast Monday? Hmm..I will see if I can make it.

I’m not just expensive, I’m edgy too. You can’t tell me what to do. If I had to sum myself up in a vine? Guy who tries but can’t sing metal. I’ll get you hyped with my cold friend wind chill but I probably won’t deliver. I might just go to a mediterranean country like Egypt instead. Cause that’s the kind of guy I am.

Get over it.

For God’s sake. I don’t even know what this post was…

Make somebody smile today!

More later,


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