If body organs were names honestly

Hello mirthlings.

Today I would like to bother your eyes with a blog post about the human body. It really is remarkable. But at times, I think the organs could do with some slightly more honest names...

Brain – The Indecisive Jelly-Blob

I don’t know if this is what everybody experiences, but my brain leads to me being particularly indecisive. 

Hey jess, what do you want for dinner? 

Hey Jessiekoi. What would you like to watch? 


Um, I don’t know. Let’s go to my brain –


I’m like this with my blog, too. Would I like to post about this? Would I perhaps like to try vlogging and introducing the poor readers – and that one blog viewer – to me? Jess. The banana. The slightly hysterical baker. The…bad writer.

I get all positive. Like yeah. Let’s post today! Let’s try filming a vlog! But then my brain is like,"Nah. I mean I can see why you’d wanna do it. But that post idea is probably boring. And your face will crack everybody’s screens. Do you really need that on your conscience?"

Heart – The Nervous ‘O' Meter

Um. Hi there my cardio-vascular organ. You’re a little whore.

I mean, I’m not trying to offend your hearts. They all probably do a great job. Mine does as well. Technically speaking, hearts never get a tea break really. Yet they keep going. But my heart, rather annoyingly, likes to enlighten me physically – as well as mentally – when I am feeling nervous or any other host of negative symptoms.

It’s just chugging along. Happily ba-booming the day away. Then something happens. Like a dinosaur runs out in front of my car and I brake to avoid hitting it. Something scary is happening (like a driving test or whatever). My heart goes from a melodic little drumming that ensures me all is cool, to a terrifying BOOM-POW-POW-BANG. It’s like my heart goes from regular percussion to goddamned dubstep.

Bowels – The Volatile Compactor

I won’t focus too long on this because it’s gross. I do have a gastrointestinal disorder so it’s true that my intestines misbehave a little more than the average person’s. But human bowels can be so testy.

Volatile compactor: Um. Ok. You want to eat that?

Me: Well, yeah. What’s wrong with it?

V.C: Besides everything? I’ll make the next 24 hours hell if you eat it.

Me: Nah it’s cool. You worry too much.

V.C: Fine, see you doubled-over in pain in the Thunder room at 2:00AM tomorrow morning.

Stomach – The ‘All or Nothing’ Grumble Guy

I don’t know about you guys, but I find my stomach – whilst rather indecisive like my brain – is kind of like a spoilt child. I either want one hundred different things to eat or I want nothing in existence.

I hate days like that.

Moving along though the stomach is constantly on you about stuff. Always grumbling about something. You’ll be at work. Or in class. Or pretty much whatever and suddenly all you hear is…

The ‘all or nothing’ grumble guy: Psst, hey.

Me: What? I’m busy. Shhh.

T.A.O.N.G.G: No I’m serious. I’m mega hungry. Like I want ALL the food RIGHT now.

Me: I TRIED giving you food this morning but you got all mad!

T.A.O.N.G.G: Bleh. I hate breakfast. But I want stuff now.

Me: You’ll have to wait. I’m busy with this. It’ll be lunch time soon. Chill, brah.

T.A.O.N.G.G: Are you giving me sass? I’ll embarrass you. Don’t make me.

Me: *Swallows gulp of air/ drinks water/chews gum*

T.A.O.N.G.G: Are you – do you really think that’ll stop me??

Me:*Keeps eating air, drinking water and chewing gum*

T.A.O.N.G.G: You’re gonna hear me roar.

Me: Don’t do it –


Uterus – The Crampinator

The uterus gets mad if you don’t do what it wants. So much so it slowly asphyxiates the lining of itself and expels it.

Your uterus just wants to see the world burn.

More later, Jess

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