My Morning Routine!

Hey guys. It’s your girl, Loser.

Wait. That is not my name.

Yeah it is.’re probably right. ANYWAY, I was writing a blog post. Not this one, obviously. That would be way too meta. Is that the right word?



Anyway, I was finishing off a Friday post (it was delicious) and my phone chirped (that is a lie, my phone is on vibrate all the time and routinely likes to vibrate itself off of solid objects if I receive a phone call). It was Buzzfeed, hollering at me (they don’t do that. At least not to me) and it was a post about guessing my morning routine. I don’t know why this is such an obsession among humans. Night time routines too. I mean for a while it was a trend on YouTube to post your morning and night time routine.

But it gave me an idea.

Why don’t I write you an exciting version of my morning routine? But not the ultra-vanilla-manilla pie version that would honestly make this poor Mirth Box hemorrhage more pageviews than it already is. No siree! A fun version! With balloons!

So, here is my completely real in-no-way-fake-not-even-a-little-bit-fake-not-in-the-slightest-well-maybe-a-bit-fake MORNING ROUTINE!!

Oh, hey there! How did you get into my house at half six in the morning!

Wait, that isn’t how I would respond.

Releases a Finn-like shriek and experiences a bowel evacuation.

Wait, that isn’t attractive.

Let’s start again.

When I wake up in the morning at 6:30AM, I don’t even NEED an alarm. I jump straight out of bed because I am super athletic and amazing! Then I do some yoga, pilates, complete a triathlon, murder a family of dragons, shoot a movie AND cure world hunger before going to the toilet at 6:43AM to pee. Except my pee isn’t yellow. It’s pink and is actually cake icing!

After that, I wash my face and brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush because I don’t have time to put effort into cleaning my mouth bones. Especially because my life is supposed to be so effortless and fun and easy!

Then I wander downstairs, yawning like a Disney princess before preparing myself a breakfast of egg whites and the souls of 100 virgins with a nice cup of green tea to sooth my soul for the day ahead! After that, I get ready for work and bound out of the door like a spring deer!

Well. I don’t know what a spring deer is. Did that seem realistic?

No. Ok. Let’s do it for real this time.

I usually wake up to my alarm shrieking at me. I do genuinely consider murder at this second in my life. For some reason the dream I was having involved being placated by the colour purple. I remember a voice saying “Get the purple!” with some kind of purple object or pattern filling my mind’s eye.

Anyway, after that I turn over and glare at my phone, turn off the alarm and sit on the edge of my bed contemplating life, why I need to be up this early and if I can be bothered to go and empty my bladder.

Deciding that I can be bothered (because it hurts) I go and wee an ocean before stumbling in the general direction of the staircase. I then go downstairs and eat food. Sometimes eggs, sometimes brioche. Sometimes cake. Whatever takes my fancy.

Then, I stare into the void for a while before getting ready for work and ambling out of the door to Bames.

I don’t know why I gave this to you. You didn’t ask for it, I know. I am going now.


More later, Jess

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